Home Contact Webmaster Chat Message Board
  Contact Orlando
Graham Norton Show Transcript March 1, 2002
transcribed by Evie

This transcript concerns only the part of the show that Orlando appears in.

His entrance... (Before this, Graham Norton interviewed Cilla Black and Cybill Shepherd)

Graham Norton puts on a Gandalf- style beard and wig. He holds a walking stick like a staff.

GRAHAM: I am Gandalf! One ring to bind them  all… and in the darkness bind them! For I… have a magic ring! – well that’s what they tell me Cybill! You alright there?

(Cybill Shepherd is cowering in her seat covering her eyes)

Audience laughs.


(Graham’s moustache starts to fall off)

GRAHAM: Ooh f**k!

Audience laughs

GRAHAM: Ah, now… it has shown me such sights even unto the Crack of Doom! …oh Betty, it’s not that bad!

(Betty, Graham’s mascot/sidekick, a sweet old lady (she was his dinner lady at drama school), laughs.)

GRAHAM: Someone might be finding out quite soon!

(Earlier, they sent Cilla Black, who presents British TV show Blind Date, out to find a date for Betty… and Cybill, who couldn’t bear not being centre of attention!)

GRAHAM: Ah! But lo! Lo! I see….lega….lega….lassy…la…. anyway, I see the blond one with the bow and arrow! Ladies and Gentlemen it’s the GORGEOUS star of Lord Of The Rings and Black Hawk Down, please welcome Orlando Bloom!!!

Orlando comes out from behind shiny red curtains. Poison arrows is playing… “shoot that poison arrow to my heart,” etc. He is wearing blue jeans, red and blue trainers (sneakers), a white vest under a cream shirt with tiny vertical lines on it, and a black leather jacket. Also he is wearing the two necklaces he always wears, a leather and shiny watch and a brass ring on his index finger. He walks left to the seats, lead by two muscly guys in legolas- style leggings and tunics. He points at them and laughs!

Graham grabs Orli by the arms.

GRAHAM: Hello! Welcome to the show!

Cybill beams at Orlando. He takes her hand.


Cybill drools.

They sit down.

GRAHAM: Welcome all!


GRAHAM: Aah! Cybill’s a bit… “I know!!!” , you see…

Cybill is leaning over, gazing at Orlando adoringly.

Audience laughs.

Cybill strokes Orli’s shoulder.

CYBILL: Don’t be scared, I won’t hurt!


Everyone laughs.

GRAHAM: No, cause the thing is, no, cause look at you… Cause you’re IT now aren’t you!

ORLANDO: Am I!?   (Grins)

GRAHAM: Well do you know what I mean, cause obviously, Orlando Bloom, we knew who you were… blah blah blah….

( a slight look of confusion crosses Orli’s gorgeous face)

GRAHAM: But now, The new Leonardo di Caprio…

ORLANDO: Leonardo di Caprio… really? (frowns and clears throat. -I guess he’s not thrilled at the comparison!)

GRAHAM: Seriously… no…. we’ve had…. I don’t know how many emails…we put an email search… an internet search… on your name… (pauses)… 29 THOUSAND results.

ORLANDO (laughs.) No. Really? (exhales)

GRAHAM: Yeeees! Yes! Apparently up to 50 fans joining the out clubs for you…(don’t ask me what the hell Graham’s on about!)… Is that weird?

ORLANDO: Yeah that is weird, especially since I’m a technophobe, I haven’t… I don’t have an email address, I don’t have a computer… I just haven’t seen any of it!

GRAHAM: I think, just as well… I have.

Audience laughs.

ORLANDO: Is it scary? Oh great…

GRAHAM: But is it, is it, are, are women now throwing themselves at you?

ORLANDO: Uuuum… well, not really, they don’t- I don’t think- you know I have long blond hair in the movie and I don’t think people really recognise me as yet.

CYBILL: I didn’t.

Orlando nods and smiles at her.

CYBILL: Cute though!

Orlando grins at her.

GRAHAM: Well no, it is weird cause you do look SO different…there you are... (Graham holds up a TV guide with Legolas and Galadriel on the cover)

CYBILL: Let’s see how he looks in the…

GRAHAM: Cause there you are… see… he’s THAT one!


GRAHAM: Did you have to look like that? Is that how Leggylulu looks like in the book?

ORLANDO: Yeah he’s kinda… Leggy… Leggylulu, I like that…

GRAHAM: What is his name?

ORLANDO: Doesn’t matter, Leggylulu works great!


GRAHAM: I knew who you were cause you were blond…

ORLANDO: Pointy-eared bow-twanger works too.

More laughter

GRAHAM: There you go! Cause the other thing…you started off as a very kind of, you know, normal actor, Guildhall, and you’ve done all the regular things, you’ve done, you’ve done…

ORLANDO: National Youth Theatre…


GRAHAM: London’s Burning…


GRAHAM: You didn’t do London’s Burning?



ORLANDO: I know.

GRAHAM: You haven’t lived!

ORLANDO: Yeah I know!

GRAHAM: But you did do Midsomer Murders.

ORLANDO: Yeah I got that gig straight out…well, I got Lord Of The Rings, and then the very next day, I walked into that…audition and I, and I said, “Well I’ve just got Lord Of The Rings” and they said “Oh, well do you wanna do Midsomer Murders?” and I was like, “Yeah…okay…”

GRAHAM: Did you die?

ORLANDO: Yeah, oh god, terribly, I died really badly!

GRAHAM: (excited)  …Ooh tell all!

Audience laughs.

ORLANDO: I got a … I got a… I got a pitchfork in the stomach, I went…(Orlando mimes dying) Aaag aag aaargh!… I did this AWFUL death thing, it was terrible.

CYBILL: What show is this? Everybody gets killed?

GRAHAM: It’s this village, where the murder rate is higher than New York.

(Sorry Americans, bad taste I know!)


ORLANDO: I know, it’s funny isn’t it.

CYBILL: You know the murder rate here in London is higher than the murder rate in New York.

GRAHAM & ORLANDO: Is it really?

CYBILL: Well that’s what they said on CNN.

GRAHAM: Oh well… American station…they would.

Everyone laughs. Orlando laughs the loudest. Cybill looks miffed.

Orlando drinks some water.

GRAHAM: The other thing that’s very exciting, is that you have turned into merchandising…

Graham picks up a Legolas doll from behind his chair.

CYBILL: Oh my gosh… you’re a doll!

ORLANDO: I’m a doll, yeah. Isn’t that great? I’m a doll!

Graham struggles to open the box,

ORLANDO: You know he’s only asking… he’s only trying to get it to open cause he wants me to play with myself don’t you.

Everyone laughs.

GRAHAM: Do you know it hadn’t crossed my mind!

ORLANDO: ,,,Hadn’t crossed your mind!

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: Hang on… do that now…

ORLANDO: Isn’t that great? Don’t you think that’s great? My kid’s gonna be able to play with my…doll!

CYBILL: Do you have a kid!?

ORLANDO: No! But when I DO  have a kid…

GRAHAM: Not yet, Cybill!

Cybill laughs evilly.

GRAHAM: Ah, no, ah… so now apparently when you do that…(Graham pushes the Legolas doll’s leg and its arm moves)

CYBILL: Aaaah!

(Legolas’ knife flies into the air)


GRAHAM: Look at that-Oh! I was over- I was over- but now you…

ORLANDO: You got a bit over- excited!

GRAHAM: Yeah! But now you can… you can do this I think… you can fire arrows!

ORLANDO: Yeah, I’ve tried it actually, you have to get the arrows out of the box and you have to sort of…(takes doll)

GRAHAM: Oh yeah, I’ve seen arrows, arrows I have!

ORLANDO: Right, and then… and then it act- (Graham hands Orli the arrows) …yeah…

GRAHAM: (Touching Orlando’s arm) It’s so sweet that you KNOW how to play with your doll!

ORLANDO: I know, isn’t that great. (concentrating on the doll) I’ve only…

GRAHAM: Oh ooh oooh!

Orlando throws the doll into the air, giving up!

ORLANDO: Like that. You see! Like that!

GRAHAM: Very good! Very good, well done!

Audience laughs.

CYBILL: I wanna play with it!

Orlando passes it to her.

GRAHAM: Be nice!

CYBILL: (grinning evilly at the doll) …I’m very nice!

GRAHAM: There is a better…Oh, look at that!

Cybill is tucking the Legolas doll down her dress. Orlando isn’t looking at her.

ORLANDO: You know I’m getting really… (…what? Scared?)

GRAHAM: Sorry, I’m being distracted by what Cybill’s DOING  to you…

ORLANDO (realising) …Oh my god!

Audience laughs.

ORLANDO: I love it, I love it. Have you got a picture of that? That is fantastic.


Cybill squeezes the Legolas doll, making his arm move. It looks like he is doing a little dance in her cleavage. Audience laughs.

ORLANDO: I’ve gotta get this on video.


ORLANDO: Oh my god!

Everyone laughs and applauds.

GRAHAM: And quickly, quickly, what are you up to, what are you- what are you- what are you doing next?

ORLANDO: I’m doing a film in Australia with Heath Ledger. (screws up face then smiles).

GRAHAM: Ooh, ooh, the, the Knight’s Tale?

ORLANDO: Yeah, the guy from Knight’s Tale, yeah, and it’s called Ned Kelly, he’s playing Ned Kelly and I’m gonna play this, um, this guy uh, one of his, his best mates, who’s a bit of a ladies man it’s gonna be an (adopts accent) Irish accent kinda thing, it’ll be, it’ll be good. Ride around playing, horses…

GRAHAM: (gasps)…If you need ANY help with the accent…


GRAHAM: I’m local!

ORLANDO: Well I’ll ring you.

GRAHAM: Yes! Well, ah… it seems a good idea to put Heath Ledger in a big bucket, but there you go…Now, ah, very exciting…Betty? Are you all right there? Cor! QUIVERING with excitement! Ah, because Cilla’s available now, she’s out in the streets SEARCHING  for hot talent for YOU Betty! All right! So, ah… Ello Cilla, can you hear me?

(Graham brings up the screen on his computer. We see Cilla standing in front of a pub.)

CILLA: I can indeed Graham I can indeed!

GRAHAM: Oh there she is!

Audience cheer. Orli claps.

CILLA: Here I am outside the Mulberry bush pub. I’m gonna be DESPERATE to find a date, for Betty and indeed, Cybill, if I can, so…

(Orlando looks intrigued by Cilla –bless her- Cybill gets jealous and puts her arm on Orli’s chair.)

GRAHAM: Ah, Cilla, Cilla, can I stop you there?

CILLA: Yeah.

GRAHAM: Sadly, she’s already CONSUMED Orlando Bloom….

Orlando laughs. Cybill cackles.

GRAHAM: And, ah, she’s fine now…

CILLA: Ok! The mission- Betty Mission… let’s go! Come on, let’s go in the pub.

GRAHAM: Actually- oh, people in this pub are gonna go mad! Oh, ooh now!

CILLA (to a group of men ) Well Hello!

MAN: Hello!

CILLA: What’s your name?

DARREN: I’m Darren.

CILLA: You’re Gareth?

DARREN: Darren.

CILLA: Darren! Where are you from Darren?

DARREN: I’m from St Albans.

CILLA: St Albans! Are you married?

DARREN: I am indeed.

CILLA: Oh well no, we don’t want  married, we can’t do married.

GRAHAM: No! she’s too old to be messing around.

Betty laughs.

CILLA: Hello sweetheart, what’s your name?

DARREN 2: Darren.

Audience laughs.

CILLA: Darren! The whole world’s full of Darrens, Graham! …are you married?

DARREN 2: Hello Graham!

GRAHAM: Hello!

CILLA: Are you married?


Audience gasps.

GRAHAM: Ooh! Hang on one second, Darren… (turns around) Betty! Betty! What do you think?

BETTY: Not bad!

DARREN 2: Betty! I know Betty.

CILLA: Do you know Betty?

GRAHAM: What have you had her!?

DARREN 2: No but I watch your programme Graham.

GRAHAM: Oh right! Well do you- do you fancy a date with Betty?

DARREN 2: What’s the date?

GRAHAM: All right Cilla move on!

Audience laughs.

CILLA: Move on, move on! Thank you Darren thank you. …Ooh eh ooh eh ooh eh!

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: These are more like it Cilla!

CILLA: These are interesting Graham! What’s your name sweetheart?

ALEC: I’m Alec.

CILLA: Hi Alec, where are you from sweetheart?

ALEC: I’m from Kirkcaldy (some place in Scotland I’ve probably spelled wrong!)

CILLA: Kirkcaldy oh I love Kirkcaldy!

ALEC: Do yer?

CILLA: Yes I do!

GRAHAM: Cilla you’re looking for Betty not yourself!

Audience laughs.

CILLA: Are you married?


(They talk amongst themselves)

GRAHAM: Betty…Betty…Betty you deaf old cow, Betty!

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: Do you like him?

BETTY: Noooo!

GRAHAM: Cilla?

CILLA: What?

GRAHAM: We’ve had- sorry, sorry- we’ve had a thumbs down, sorry.

CILLA: (to Alec) Oh well you’re not on anyway.

Audience laughs.

Cilla approaches handsome elderly man.

CILLA: Ooh this is interesting! I’ve got good vibes.


CILLA: Believe me, my vibes are good for you. What’s your name?

CHARLES: Charles.

CILLA: Charles? And obviously you’re Scottish as well…

GRAHAM: Betty! Like him?!

Betty = thumbs up.

CILLA: Are you married?

CHARLES: Mmm – hmmm!

CILLA: Oh he’s married! Graham!

GRAHAM: Cilla, Cilla, she doesn’t care, thumbs up! She likes him!

CILLA: Oh he doesn’t care either!

GRAHAM: Fantastic Cilla Cilla bring him back! To the studio! Thanks a lot see you in a minute! Oh excellent! That’s it, join me, Cybill Orlando and Cilla for part 4 where we’ll be getting kissy-kissy for the end of the series, see you after the break cheers!

(Orli claps and grins his cute grin)



(After the break)


GRAHAM; Welcome back, welcome back! I’m here with the lovely Cybill Shepherd Orlando Bloom and Cilla Black! Yes!

Cheering. From left to right seated, Graham, Cilla, Orlando, Cybill.

GRAHAM: Cilla of course HOT back… HOT back from finding Betty a mate! What was his name?

CILLA; Charles.

GRAHAM; Charles? And where is Charles now?

CILLA: Well just back there! (points to wall behind Orli.)

GRAHAM: Is he preparing himself!

CILLA: Yes. He’s ready, willing and MORE  than able Betty!

Betty and Audience laugh.

GRAHAM: I suggest a stiff drink! Can I just say- I feel a little sick! Anyway! Betty’s moment of truth is on its way when she’ll be guiding Charles through those glistening curtains. Now-

Audience interrupts him by laughing.

GRAHAM: They’re over there! (camera pans to shiny red curtains that Orli came through earlier.)

Laughter and applause.

GRAHAM: But no! It is the end of the series, it’s the end of the series and we’re all in a nostalgic mood tonight so we asked our audience to bring in a souvenir of their younger days, a defining objet, an aide-memoire, or to put it another way, a bit of old crap. So, er, come with me now Cybill Orlando and Cilla, as we play Moment Of Youth!


(They get up and move to the right where there is a set like a school classroom. Cilla, Orlando and Cybill sit down on chairs in that order from left to right, and Graham stands behind the teacher’s desk.)


GRAHAM: So what it is , is people have brought in things from their school days, just rubbish that they’ve never bothered to throw away, foolishly! Now, er, ooh now what am  I looking for ooh this is brilliant, I love this…(picks up school shirt covered with writing)  Whose is this?

(Girl stands up. Graham examines the shirt.)

GRAHAM: Now I happen to know your name is…Lauren, isn’t it?


GRAHAM: Cos this is one of those shirts, what was it, last day of school?

(In Britain we tend to…sign each other’s shirts on the last day of school. I don’t know why!)


GRAHAM: But now I have to say- what sort of a reputation did you have in school Lauren?


GRAHAM: Cause how many people just put on it… “ SLAG!”

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: (reading) “To Loz you sexy beast…” … “ SLAG!”


GRAHAM: It’s all over it! Lauren what sort of girl where you!?

LAUREN: Well mostly that it was one of my boyfriends that, that wrote the big “slag” across the back.

CILLA: A little bit like-

GRAHAM: (interrupting Cilla) Er-

Audience laughs at Cilla’s expression.

LAUREN: I was really a nice girl!

CYBILL: Does it mean like a slut?

GRAHAM: No, again, it’s rather like loose. It means lovely.

CILLA: Like a slut?

GRAHAM: Yes alright, like a slut. In fact, it’s exactly the same. That’s a slut, over there in pink.

Lauren laughs. Audience laugh.

GRAHAM: No she’s not! Now is this a posh school thing?


Graham: No- “I’m a slut!” (laughs)

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: Alright thank you for that Lauren, thank you.

(During this Orli keeps turning in his chair to see Lauren as she’s more to the left. Consequently he turns his back on Cybill- Yay!)

GRAHAM: Now what is this? Why has someone brought their purse in? Oh it’s you!

KAREN: Karen.

GRAHAM: Karen, and why have you brought this in?

KAREN: It’s got my belly button in there. It’s 41 years old.

(Cries of “Eurgh!” From the audience.)

ORLANDO: It’s got what? (twists in chair w/ a look of confusion on his gorgey face)

CILLA: A Bellybutton?

KAREN: My bellybutton.

CYBILL: (gasps and grabs Orli’s arm.)

KAREN: It’s my souvenir, my lucky charm.

ORLANDO (getting up) I wanna see that!

GRAHAM: What, you’ve got a 41 year old bellybutton in here?

KAREN: Don’t lose it!

GRAHAM: (Getting it out) Look  away, look away-

CILLA: Oh god no, no, no!

Orli is craning his neck to see.



GRAHAM: I’m not sure but is this the best way to look at this- (points handheld camera at his palm) Can you cut that up…on the…thing?

Laughter and screams.

CILLA: Oh god oh ah oh!

Orli gets up, looks at it, then sits down in a hurry!

GRAHAM: What- what- it looks like something that fell out of your ear!

KAREN: Turn it over.

GRAHAM: Sorry- sorry everybody, I am displaying it incorrectly!


GRAHAM: Apparently it would look much different the other side- oh I’m TOUCHING it now…


CYBILL: (drapes her cape over her head to hide from the bellybutton. Audience laughs. Orlando looks at her like she’s crazy and laughs as well)

GRAHAM: No, cause THAT’S  better! It looks exactly the same! So what was that when you were a baby?

KAREN: My mum kept it and I happened to see it in a little box and I thought ‘I’ll have that as my lucky charm’.

CYBILL: Are you saying it was your umbilical cord?


CYBILL: That’s what it is, it’s not her navel, it was the umbilical cord between her and her mother- (Graham holds it out to her) – I don’t wanna see! (Cybill covers her head again).


GRAHAM: Orlando’s feeling sick now- it was interesting a minute ago- too much detail!

ORLANDO: Very thrilling.


GRAHAM: Yeah! So it has brought you luck? Well who knows maybe it’ll help you win the competition tonight I’ll just pop it back cause it would be TERRIBLE if you lost it!

KAREN: I would Graham!

GRAHAM: Very quickly-

CYBILL: You better wash your hands!

GRAHAM: Oh no I have- oh don’t worry I will! Then very very quickly, very very quickly, whose is this? Lady up there, lady up there, up you get. What’s your name?

CAROLE: Carole.

GRAHAM: Carole, and what is it?

(It’s a box with stickers, photos  and glitter all over it)

CAROLE: It represents my teen-age.

GRAHAM: Oh this represents her teenage… here she is…

CAROLE: I went to a convent!

GRAHAM: Shakin’ Stevens- and look, a very very high- look, a Saturday Super Store sticker! That’s…cool.


GRAHAM: Oh and there you are- there she is- loooook!

(Points to pic of girl with huge frizzy hair!)


GRAHAM: That is fantastic! I’ve seen topiary less impressive than that! You could clip that hair into St. Paul’s! That’s fantastic! And that’s your real hair?

CAROLE: (nodding) I was depressed!

ORLANDO: I’m not surprised, with a head of hair like that!


GRAHAM: What could have caused that! I don’t know! (laughs) eh, now, there’s Simon Le Bon- in there- in the box- and whose house is this?

CAROLE: Simon le Bon’s house! I used to sneak out and tell my mum I was going to Woodgreen to go to the shops, and I knew where Simon Le Bon lived, and he lived at the time in Pinna. So I used to go every weekend to Simon Le Bon’s , but I didn’t fancy Simon Le Bon, I fancied the drummer, but he lived too far away he lived in Birmingham!


CAROLE: So I stalked him-

GRAHAM: So you thought… so you thought the drummer might be VISITING Simon Le Bon at the weekend?

CAROLE: Yeah! I’ve got hundreds of photos at home of that house.

GRAHAM: Right, and the weird bit is- why is there then a picture of…horses?

ORLANDO: (Eagerly) Mating! They’re mating!


GRAHAM: Yes Orlando we’ve all seen that!

ORLANDO: Oh! (Smiles cutely and innocently. Cilla pats him on the arm.)


CAROLE: Well that was to represent cause I went to a convent and it was strict and my family were very strict Catholics so that was the hormones going along at the time- or not going along at the time!

GRAHAM: Now- were you one of those freaky girls in the playground that used to play “Horse”? (Slaps thigh) …Doing that?

CAROLE: Well no, I waited until I was a bit older and then I did it with a motorbike and a couple of horses.


GRAHAM: And you think YOU’VE lived, Cybill! A couple of horses and a motorbike!

(Cybill grins toothily)

GRAHAM: Look at her! No wonder her hair’s fallen! Honest to god! You couldn’t keep that on your head with a couple of motorbikes and a horse! There we go- (hands Cybill the box. Cilla has the shirt, Orlando has the purse. He is rummaging in it to look at the umbilical cord again.)

GRAHAM: So! If you want Cilla, Lauren and Slag Shirt to win, shout now!

Applause and cheering.

GRAHAM: If you want Orlando and Kelly’s Bellybutton to win shout now! (Orli holds out the purse to the camera and pulls a face.)

Louder applause and cheering.

GRAHAM: And if you want Caroline and Cybill and the Teenage Box to win shout NOW! Cybill waves the box in the air.)

Loudest applause and cheering.

GRAHAM: Come on down! Well done! Congratulations to you, owing to our lovely friends at Going Places you’ve won a lovely holiday to Mexico!


GRAHAM: Well done you, congratulations have a great time take care (Kisses her). But- what’s that strange aroma? I do believe it’s the smell of fear! Betty’s date has arrived! There he is!

Charles comes out of curtains and hugs Betty.

Orli puts the purse back on the table, smiling to himself.

GRAHAM: Steady! (turns to Cilla) Do you think you need to buy a hat?


GRAHAM: Oh he’s married already living in SIN  Betty!


GRAHAM: Ooh Charles! She’s just had her hips done be careful! Well off you go, bye bye Betty and Charles, and Betty, Betty you do promise you WON’T come back next week and tell us how you got on! Well done have a lovely summer! Bye! Bye! Bye! Oh! That’s it that’s it! My thanks to Cilla Black Cybill Shepherd and Orlando Bloom! (Olando grins impishly)

Applause and cheering.

GRAHAM: But as usual there’s so much we haven’t had time to talk about! No time to talk about Catherine-Zeta-Jones, who desperately wanted to come on tonight’s show. Well, she does like anything that has an American flavour. Hmm, well, she sucks Michael’s cock!


GRAHAM: That’s it for the series, my thanks to everyone that’s made it such fun, we’ll see you again in the summer, until then let’s dance the night away with Yes Brazil! Goodbye!

Applause and cheering. Confetti falls, dancing girls flood the stage and the original Turkish version of that Holly Valance song Kiss Kiss plays.

Orlando is looking in the purse again, standing centre stage with Cilla and Cybill. Graham cavorts around in front of him, dancing and kissing his fingers (HIS, not Orli’s!) Cilla kisses Orli’s cheek (an air-kiss like the French) he shows her the umbilical cord. Graham kisses his fingers and holds them out to the camera, then the credits roll.