Graham Norton Show Transcript March 1, 2002
transcribed by Evie
This transcript concerns only
the part of the show that Orlando appears in.
His entrance... (Before this,
Graham Norton interviewed Cilla Black and Cybill Shepherd)
Graham Norton puts on a
Gandalf- style beard and wig. He holds a walking stick like a staff.
GRAHAM: I am Gandalf! One ring
to bind them all… and in the darkness
bind them! For I… have a magic ring! – well that’s what they tell me Cybill!
You alright there?
(Cybill Shepherd is cowering in
her seat covering her eyes)
(Graham’s moustache starts to
GRAHAM: Ooh f**k!
GRAHAM: Ah, now… it has shown
me such sights even unto the Crack of Doom! …oh Betty, it’s not that bad!
mascot/sidekick, a sweet old lady (she was his dinner lady at drama school),
GRAHAM: Someone might be
finding out quite soon!
(Earlier, they sent Cilla
Black, who presents British TV show Blind Date, out to find a date for Betty…
and Cybill, who couldn’t bear not being centre of attention!)
GRAHAM: Ah! But lo! Lo! I
see….lega….lega….lassy…la…. anyway, I see the blond one with the bow and arrow!
Ladies and Gentlemen it’s the GORGEOUS star
of Lord Of The Rings and Black Hawk Down, please welcome Orlando Bloom!!!
Orlando comes out from behind
shiny red curtains. Poison arrows is playing… “shoot that poison arrow to my
heart,” etc. He is wearing blue jeans, red and blue trainers (sneakers), a
white vest under a cream shirt with tiny vertical lines on it, and a black
leather jacket. Also he is wearing the two necklaces he always wears, a leather
and shiny watch and a brass ring on his index finger. He walks left to the
seats, lead by two muscly guys in legolas- style leggings and tunics. He points
at them and laughs!
Graham grabs Orli by the arms.
GRAHAM: Hello! Welcome to the
Cybill beams at Orlando. He
takes her hand.
They sit down.
GRAHAM: Welcome all!
GRAHAM: Aah! Cybill’s a bit… “I
know!!!” , you see…
Cybill is leaning over, gazing
at Orlando adoringly.
Cybill strokes Orli’s shoulder.
CYBILL: Don’t be scared, I
GRAHAM: No, cause the thing is,
no, cause look at you… Cause you’re IT now aren’t you!
ORLANDO: Am I!? (Grins)
GRAHAM: Well do you know what I
mean, cause obviously, Orlando Bloom, we knew who you were… blah blah blah….
( a slight look of confusion
crosses Orli’s gorgeous face)
GRAHAM: But now, The new
Leonardo di Caprio…
ORLANDO: Leonardo di Caprio…
really? (frowns and clears throat. -I guess he’s not thrilled at the
GRAHAM: Seriously… no…. we’ve
had…. I don’t know how many emails…we put an email search… an internet search…
on your name… (pauses)… 29 THOUSAND results.
ORLANDO (laughs.) No. Really?
GRAHAM: Yeeees! Yes! Apparently
up to 50 fans joining the out clubs for you…(don’t ask me what the hell
Graham’s on about!)… Is that weird?
ORLANDO: Yeah that is
weird, especially since I’m a technophobe, I haven’t… I don’t have an email
address, I don’t have a computer… I just haven’t seen any of it!
GRAHAM: I think, just as well…
ORLANDO: Is it scary? Oh great…
GRAHAM: But is it, is it, are,
are women now throwing themselves at you?
ORLANDO: Uuuum… well, not
really, they don’t- I don’t think- you know I have long blond hair in the movie
and I don’t think people really recognise me as yet.
CYBILL: I didn’t.
Orlando nods and smiles at her.
CYBILL: Cute though!
Orlando grins at her.
GRAHAM: Well no, it is weird
cause you do look SO different…there you are... (Graham holds
up a TV guide with Legolas and Galadriel on the cover)
CYBILL: Let’s see how he looks
GRAHAM: Cause there you are…
see… he’s THAT one!
GRAHAM: Did you have to look
like that? Is that how Leggylulu looks like in the book?
ORLANDO: Yeah he’s kinda…
Leggy… Leggylulu, I like that…
GRAHAM: What is his name?
ORLANDO: Doesn’t matter,
Leggylulu works great!
GRAHAM: I knew who you were
cause you were blond…
bow-twanger works too.
GRAHAM: There you go! Cause the
other thing…you started off as a very kind of, you know, normal actor,
Guildhall, and you’ve done all the regular things, you’ve done, you’ve done…
ORLANDO: National Youth
ORLANDO & GRAHAM TOGETHER:
GRAHAM: London’s Burning…
GRAHAM: You didn’t do London’s
ORLANDO: I know.
GRAHAM: You haven’t lived!
ORLANDO: Yeah I know!
GRAHAM: But you did do Midsomer
ORLANDO: Yeah I got that gig
straight out…well, I got Lord Of The Rings, and then the very next day, I
walked into that…audition and I, and I said, “Well I’ve just got Lord Of The
Rings” and they said “Oh, well do you wanna do Midsomer Murders?” and I was
GRAHAM: Did you die?
ORLANDO: Yeah, oh god,
terribly, I died really badly!
GRAHAM: (excited) …Ooh tell all!
ORLANDO: I got a … I got a… I
got a pitchfork in the stomach, I went…(Orlando mimes dying) Aaag aag aaargh!…
I did this AWFUL
death thing, it was terrible.
CYBILL: What show is this?
Everybody gets killed?
GRAHAM: It’s this village,
where the murder rate is higher than New York.
(Sorry Americans, bad taste I
ORLANDO: I know, it’s funny
CYBILL: You know the murder
rate here in London is higher than the murder rate in New York.
GRAHAM & ORLANDO: Is it
CYBILL: Well that’s what they
said on CNN.
GRAHAM: Oh well… American
Everyone laughs. Orlando laughs
the loudest. Cybill looks miffed.
Orlando drinks some water.
GRAHAM: The other thing that’s
very exciting, is that you have turned into merchandising…
Graham picks up a Legolas doll
from behind his chair.
CYBILL: Oh my gosh… you’re a
ORLANDO: I’m a doll, yeah.
Isn’t that great? I’m a doll!
Graham struggles to open the
ORLANDO: You know he’s only
asking… he’s only trying to get it to open cause he wants me to play with
myself don’t you.
GRAHAM: Do you know it hadn’t
crossed my mind!
ORLANDO: ,,,Hadn’t crossed your
GRAHAM: Hang on… do that now…
ORLANDO: Isn’t that great?
Don’t you think that’s great? My kid’s gonna be able to play with my…doll!
CYBILL: Do you have a kid!?
ORLANDO: No! But when I DO have a kid…
GRAHAM: Not yet, Cybill!
Cybill laughs evilly.
GRAHAM: Ah, no, ah… so now
apparently when you do that…(Graham pushes the Legolas doll’s leg and its arm
(Legolas’ knife flies into the
GRAHAM: Look at that-Oh! I was
over- I was over- but now you…
ORLANDO: You got a bit over-
GRAHAM: Yeah! But now you can…
you can do this I think… you can fire arrows!
ORLANDO: Yeah, I’ve tried it
actually, you have to get the arrows out of the box and you have to sort
GRAHAM: Oh yeah, I’ve seen
arrows, arrows I have!
ORLANDO: Right, and then… and
then it act- (Graham hands Orli the arrows) …yeah…
GRAHAM: (Touching Orlando’s
arm) It’s so sweet that you KNOW how to play with your doll!
ORLANDO: I know, isn’t that
great. (concentrating on the doll) I’ve only…
GRAHAM: Oh ooh oooh!
Orlando throws the doll into
the air, giving up!
ORLANDO: Like that. You see!
GRAHAM: Very good! Very good,
CYBILL: I wanna play with it!
Orlando passes it to her.
GRAHAM: Be nice!
CYBILL: (grinning evilly at the
doll) …I’m very nice!
GRAHAM: There is a better…Oh,
look at that!
Cybill is tucking the Legolas
doll down her dress. Orlando isn’t looking at her.
ORLANDO: You know I’m getting
really… (…what? Scared?)
GRAHAM: Sorry, I’m being
distracted by what Cybill’s DOING to you…
ORLANDO (realising) …Oh my god!
ORLANDO: I love it, I love it.
Have you got a picture of that? That is fantastic.
Cybill squeezes the Legolas
doll, making his arm move. It looks like he is doing a little dance in her
cleavage. Audience laughs.
ORLANDO: I’ve gotta get this on
ORLANDO: Oh my god!
Everyone laughs and applauds.
GRAHAM: And quickly, quickly,
what are you up to, what are you- what are you- what are you doing next?
ORLANDO: I’m doing a film in
Australia with Heath Ledger. (screws up face then smiles).
GRAHAM: Ooh, ooh, the, the
ORLANDO: Yeah, the guy from
Knight’s Tale, yeah, and it’s called Ned Kelly, he’s playing Ned Kelly and I’m
gonna play this, um, this guy uh, one of his, his best mates, who’s a bit of a
ladies man it’s gonna be an (adopts accent) Irish accent kinda thing, it’ll be,
it’ll be good. Ride around playing, horses…
GRAHAM: (gasps)…If you need ANY
help with the accent…
GRAHAM: I’m local!
ORLANDO: Well I’ll ring you.
GRAHAM: Yes! Well, ah… it seems
a good idea to put Heath Ledger in a big bucket, but there you go…Now, ah, very
exciting…Betty? Are you all right there? Cor! QUIVERING with excitement!
Ah, because Cilla’s available now, she’s out in the streets SEARCHING for hot talent for YOU Betty! All right! So,
ah… Ello Cilla, can you hear me?
(Graham brings up the screen on
his computer. We see Cilla standing in front of a pub.)
CILLA: I can indeed Graham I
GRAHAM: Oh there she is!
Audience cheer. Orli claps.
CILLA: Here I am outside the
Mulberry bush pub. I’m gonna be DESPERATE to find a date, for Betty and
indeed, Cybill, if I can, so…
(Orlando looks intrigued by
Cilla –bless her- Cybill gets jealous and puts her arm on Orli’s chair.)
GRAHAM: Ah, Cilla, Cilla, can I
stop you there?
GRAHAM: Sadly, she’s already CONSUMED Orlando
Orlando laughs. Cybill cackles.
GRAHAM: And, ah, she’s fine
CILLA: Ok! The mission- Betty
Mission… let’s go! Come on, let’s go in the pub.
GRAHAM: Actually- oh, people in
this pub are gonna go mad! Oh, ooh now!
CILLA (to a group of men ) Well
CILLA: What’s your name?
DARREN: I’m Darren.
CILLA: You’re Gareth?
CILLA: Darren! Where are you from
DARREN: I’m from St Albans.
CILLA: St Albans! Are you
DARREN: I am indeed.
CILLA: Oh well no, we don’t
want married, we can’t do married.
GRAHAM: No! she’s too old to be
CILLA: Hello sweetheart, what’s
DARREN 2: Darren.
CILLA: Darren! The whole
world’s full of Darrens, Graham! …are you married?
DARREN 2: Hello Graham!
CILLA: Are you married?
DARREN 2: No.
GRAHAM: Ooh! Hang on one
second, Darren… (turns around) Betty! Betty! What do you think?
BETTY: Not bad!
DARREN 2: Betty! I know Betty.
CILLA: Do you know Betty?
GRAHAM: What have you had her!?
DARREN 2: No but I watch your
GRAHAM: Oh right! Well do you-
do you fancy a date with Betty?
DARREN 2: What’s the date?
GRAHAM: All right Cilla move
CILLA: Move on, move on! Thank
you Darren thank you. …Ooh eh ooh eh ooh eh!
GRAHAM: These are more like it
CILLA: These are interesting
Graham! What’s your name sweetheart?
ALEC: I’m Alec.
CILLA: Hi Alec, where are you
ALEC: I’m from Kirkcaldy (some
place in Scotland I’ve probably spelled wrong!)
CILLA: Kirkcaldy oh I love
ALEC: Do yer?
CILLA: Yes I do!
GRAHAM: Cilla you’re looking
for Betty not yourself!
CILLA: Are you married?
(They talk amongst themselves)
GRAHAM: Betty…Betty…Betty you
deaf old cow, Betty!
GRAHAM: Do you like him?
GRAHAM: We’ve had- sorry,
sorry- we’ve had a thumbs down, sorry.
CILLA: (to Alec) Oh well you’re
not on anyway.
Cilla approaches handsome
CILLA: Ooh this is interesting!
I’ve got good vibes.
CILLA: Believe me, my vibes are
good for you. What’s your name?
CILLA: Charles? And obviously
you’re Scottish as well…
GRAHAM: Betty! Like him?!
Betty = thumbs up.
CILLA: Are you married?
CHARLES: Mmm – hmmm!
CILLA: Oh he’s married! Graham!
GRAHAM: Cilla, Cilla, she
doesn’t care, thumbs up! She likes him!
CILLA: Oh he doesn’t care
GRAHAM: Fantastic Cilla Cilla
bring him back! To the studio! Thanks a lot see you in a minute! Oh excellent!
That’s it, join me, Cybill Orlando and Cilla for part 4 where we’ll be getting
kissy-kissy for the end of the series, see you after the break cheers!
(Orli claps and grins his cute
(After the break)
GRAHAM; Welcome back, welcome
back! I’m here with the lovely Cybill Shepherd Orlando Bloom and Cilla Black!
Cheering. From left to right
seated, Graham, Cilla, Orlando, Cybill.
GRAHAM: Cilla of course HOT back…
from finding Betty a mate! What was his name?
GRAHAM; Charles? And where is
CILLA: Well just back there!
(points to wall behind Orli.)
GRAHAM: Is he preparing
CILLA: Yes. He’s ready, willing
and MORE than able Betty!
Betty and Audience laugh.
GRAHAM: I suggest a stiff
drink! Can I just say- I feel a little sick! Anyway! Betty’s moment of truth is
on its way when she’ll be guiding Charles through those glistening curtains.
Audience interrupts him by
GRAHAM: They’re over there!
(camera pans to shiny red curtains that Orli came through earlier.)
Laughter and applause.
GRAHAM: But no! It is the end
of the series, it’s the end of the series and we’re all in a nostalgic mood
tonight so we asked our audience to bring in a souvenir of their younger days,
a defining objet,
or to put it another way, a bit of old crap. So, er, come with me now Cybill
Orlando and Cilla, as we play Moment Of Youth!
(They get up and move to the
right where there is a set like a school classroom. Cilla, Orlando and Cybill
sit down on chairs in that order from left to right, and Graham stands behind
the teacher’s desk.)
GRAHAM: So what it is , is
people have brought in things from their school days, just rubbish that they’ve
never bothered to throw away, foolishly! Now, er, ooh now what am I looking for ooh this is brilliant, I love
this…(picks up school shirt covered with writing) Whose is this?
(Girl stands up. Graham
examines the shirt.)
GRAHAM: Now I happen to know
your name is…Lauren, isn’t it?
GRAHAM: Cos this is one of
those shirts, what was it, last day of school?
(In Britain we tend to…sign each
other’s shirts on the last day of school. I don’t know why!)
GRAHAM: But now I have to say-
what sort of a reputation did you have in school Lauren?
GRAHAM: Cause how many people
just put on it… “ SLAG!”
GRAHAM: (reading) “To Loz you
sexy beast…” … “ SLAG!”
GRAHAM: It’s all over it!
Lauren what sort of girl where you!?
LAUREN: Well mostly that it was
one of my boyfriends that, that wrote the big “slag” across the back.
CILLA: A little bit like-
GRAHAM: (interrupting Cilla)
Audience laughs at Cilla’s
LAUREN: I was really a nice
CYBILL: Does it mean like a
GRAHAM: No, again, it’s rather
like loose. It means lovely.
CILLA: Like a slut?
GRAHAM: Yes alright, like a
slut. In fact, it’s exactly the same. That’s a slut, over there in pink.
Lauren laughs. Audience laugh.
GRAHAM: No she’s not! Now is
this a posh school thing?
Graham: No- “I’m a slut!”
GRAHAM: Alright thank you for
that Lauren, thank you.
(During this Orli keeps turning
in his chair to see Lauren as she’s more to the left. Consequently he turns his
back on Cybill- Yay!)
GRAHAM: Now what is this? Why
has someone brought their purse in? Oh it’s you!
GRAHAM: Karen, and why have you
brought this in?
KAREN: It’s got my belly button
in there. It’s 41 years old.
(Cries of “Eurgh!” From the
ORLANDO: It’s got what? (twists
in chair w/ a look of confusion on his gorgey face)
CILLA: A Bellybutton?
KAREN: My bellybutton.
CYBILL: (gasps and grabs Orli’s
KAREN: It’s my souvenir, my
ORLANDO (getting up) I wanna
GRAHAM: What, you’ve got a 41
year old bellybutton in here?
KAREN: Don’t lose it!
GRAHAM: (Getting it out)
Look away, look away-
CILLA: Oh god no, no, no!
Orli is craning his neck to
GRAHAM: Oh SWEET JESUS IN HEAVEN!
GRAHAM: I’m not sure but is
this the best way to look at this- (points handheld camera at his palm) Can you
cut that up…on the…thing?
Laughter and screams.
CILLA: Oh god oh ah oh!
Orli gets up, looks at it, then
sits down in a hurry!
GRAHAM: What- what- it looks
like something that fell out of your ear!
KAREN: Turn it over.
GRAHAM: Sorry- sorry everybody,
I am displaying it incorrectly!
GRAHAM: Apparently it would
look much different the other side- oh I’m TOUCHING it now…
CYBILL: (drapes her cape over
her head to hide from the bellybutton. Audience laughs. Orlando looks at her
like she’s crazy and laughs as well)
GRAHAM: No, cause THAT’S better! It looks exactly the same! So what
was that when you were a baby?
KAREN: My mum kept it and I
happened to see it in a little box and I thought ‘I’ll have that as my lucky
CYBILL: Are you saying it was
your umbilical cord?
CYBILL: That’s what it is, it’s
not her navel, it was the umbilical cord between her and her mother- (Graham
holds it out to her) – I don’t wanna see! (Cybill covers her head again).
GRAHAM: Orlando’s feeling sick
now- it was interesting a minute ago- too much detail!
ORLANDO: Very thrilling.
GRAHAM: Yeah! So it has brought
you luck? Well who knows maybe it’ll help you win the competition tonight I’ll
just pop it back cause it would be TERRIBLE if you lost it!
KAREN: I would Graham!
GRAHAM: Very quickly-
CYBILL: You better wash your
GRAHAM: Oh no I have- oh don’t
worry I will! Then very very quickly, very very quickly, whose is this? Lady up
there, lady up there, up you get. What’s your name?
GRAHAM: Carole, and what is it?
(It’s a box with stickers,
photos and glitter all over it)
CAROLE: It represents my
GRAHAM: Oh this represents her
teenage… here she is…
CAROLE: I went to a convent!
GRAHAM: Shakin’ Stevens- and
look, a very very high- look, a Saturday Super Store sticker! That’s…cool.
GRAHAM: Oh and there you are-
there she is- loooook!
(Points to pic of girl with
huge frizzy hair!)
GRAHAM: That is fantastic! I’ve
seen topiary less impressive than that! You could clip that hair into St.
Paul’s! That’s fantastic! And that’s your real hair?
CAROLE: (nodding) I was
ORLANDO: I’m not surprised,
with a head of hair like that!
GRAHAM: What could have caused
that! I don’t know! (laughs) eh, now, there’s Simon Le Bon- in there- in the box-
and whose house is this?
CAROLE: Simon le Bon’s house! I
used to sneak out and tell my mum I was going to Woodgreen to go to the shops,
and I knew where Simon Le Bon lived, and he lived at the time in Pinna. So I
used to go every weekend to Simon Le Bon’s , but I didn’t fancy Simon Le Bon, I
fancied the drummer, but he lived too far away he lived in Birmingham!
CAROLE: So I stalked him-
GRAHAM: So you thought… so you
thought the drummer might be VISITING Simon Le Bon at the weekend?
CAROLE: Yeah! I’ve got hundreds
of photos at home of that house.
GRAHAM: Right, and the weird
bit is- why is there then a picture of…horses?
ORLANDO: (Eagerly) Mating!
GRAHAM: Yes Orlando we’ve all
ORLANDO: Oh! (Smiles cutely and
innocently. Cilla pats him on the arm.)
CAROLE: Well that was to
represent cause I went to a convent and it was strict and my family were very
strict Catholics so that was the hormones going along at the time- or not going
along at the time!
GRAHAM: Now- were you one of
those freaky girls in the playground that used to play “Horse”? (Slaps thigh)
CAROLE: Well no, I waited until
I was a bit older and then I did it with a motorbike and a couple of horses.
GRAHAM: And you think YOU’VE
lived, Cybill! A couple of horses and a motorbike!
(Cybill grins toothily)
GRAHAM: Look at her! No wonder
her hair’s fallen! Honest to god! You couldn’t keep that on your head with a
couple of motorbikes and a horse! There we go- (hands Cybill the box. Cilla has
the shirt, Orlando has the purse. He is rummaging in it to look at the
umbilical cord again.)
GRAHAM: So! If you want Cilla,
Lauren and Slag Shirt to win, shout now!
Applause and cheering.
GRAHAM: If you want Orlando and
Kelly’s Bellybutton to win shout now! (Orli holds out the purse to the camera
and pulls a face.)
Louder applause and cheering.
GRAHAM: And if you want
Caroline and Cybill and the Teenage Box to win shout NOW! Cybill waves the box
in the air.)
Loudest applause and cheering.
GRAHAM: Come on down! Well
done! Congratulations to you, owing to our lovely friends at Going Places
you’ve won a lovely holiday to Mexico!
GRAHAM: Well done you,
congratulations have a great time take care (Kisses her). But- what’s that
strange aroma? I do believe it’s the smell of fear! Betty’s date has arrived!
There he is!
Charles comes out of curtains
and hugs Betty.
Orli puts the purse back on the
table, smiling to himself.
GRAHAM: Steady! (turns to
Cilla) Do you think you need to buy a hat?
GRAHAM: Oh he’s married
already living in SIN
GRAHAM: Ooh Charles! She’s just
had her hips done be careful! Well off you go, bye bye Betty and Charles, and
Betty, Betty you do promise you WON’T come back next week and tell us how
you got on! Well done have a lovely summer! Bye! Bye! Bye! Oh! That’s it that’s
it! My thanks to Cilla Black Cybill Shepherd and Orlando Bloom! (Olando grins
Applause and cheering.
GRAHAM: But as usual there’s so
much we haven’t had time to talk about! No time to talk about
Catherine-Zeta-Jones, who desperately wanted to come on tonight’s show. Well,
she does like anything that has an American flavour. Hmm, well, she sucks
GRAHAM: That’s it for the
series, my thanks to everyone that’s made it such fun, we’ll see you again in
the summer, until then let’s dance the night away with Yes Brazil! Goodbye!
Applause and cheering. Confetti
falls, dancing girls flood the stage and the original Turkish version of that
Holly Valance song Kiss Kiss plays.
Orlando is looking in the purse
again, standing centre stage with Cilla and Cybill. Graham cavorts around in
front of him, dancing and kissing his fingers (HIS, not Orli’s!) Cilla
kisses Orli’s cheek (an air-kiss like the French) he shows her the umbilical
cord. Graham kisses his fingers and holds them out to the camera, then the