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The Johnny Vaughn Show Jan. 17, 2002
as transcribed by angelfrances from the Orlando Bloom Fan Board

Johnny: Now my first guests have a CV between them that includes everything from Lord of the Rings to The Patriot, and of course, Casualty. They're storming into our cinemas this weekend in Black Hawk Down. Would you please welcome Jason Isaacs and Orlando Bloom.

[Jason and Orlando entered to the house band playing 'War'. They shook hands with Johnny, sat down and then Orlando sat grinning at the audience, while they cheered.]

Jason kept on staring behind Johnny's desk.

Johnny: What? What are you looking at?

Jason: There's nothing down there. It's not finished, is it?

Johnny: I've got a geiger counter down there.

Jason: Who's that small woman down there? [He was joking in a rather crude way]

Johnny: Who, Song Yi?

[The guys chuckle. Johnny pretends to fan something under the desk]

Johnny: Easy, Song! [To the guys] Now you've just flown in for he premiere of Black Hawk Down, which is big huck. Now I've seen the trailers in the cinema. [To audience] Have any of you seen the trailers in the cinema?

Audience: Yes!

Jason: You've not seen the film though, obviously, you've just seen the trailer.

Johnny: I find it puts me in a better position to ask you questions if I'm in a position of ignorance.

[Everyone laughs]

Johnny: OK, but I've seen these trailers. It looks dramatic and extraordinary, but what it is it about?

Jason: It's about the night in 1993, October 1993, when a hundred American soldiers went into Mogadishu to try and take out this guy who'd been slaughtering UN Peace Keepers, and they got trapped in a... - actually Osama bin Laden now claims responsibility for this hornets nest of tens of thousands of men and they fought their way out and 18 of them died and 70 were injured and it's a...depending on where you stand, it's either regarded as one of the most heroic evenings the American Army has ever spent, or a terrible debacle, and Ridley Scott's shot it....

Orlando: The guys on the ground were heroes though, weren't they? I mean we were playing the guys who were...

Jason: Yeah, it's about heroism, it's about courage, it's about two hours long and it's about to open on Friday!

[Audience laughs]

Johnny: So that means it's not a comedy. So, um, who do you play?

Jason: I play Captain Mike Steele, who is the Commander of these Rangers...

Johnny: [laughing] Is that a made-up name?

Jason: It's a real name! Actually, he's a real bloke.

Johnny: No, you can't have Mike Steele [Says it in that dramatic movie guy voice]

Orlando [really quietly, smiling]: Mike Steele!

[Everyone laughs]

Jason: He's in Bosnia now actually. I hope you're not watching, Mike - sorry for...everything!

[Everyone laughs again - Nice shot of Orli's big grin at this point!]

Orlando: What's that? [I don't actually understand what he said at this point, it was just a quick passing comment, and was drowned out by the audience laughing so I'll leave it for correction]

Jason: Everybody we spoke to, because he wasn't there, I said 'I'm playing Mike Steele', and they'd go [in American accent] 'You're playing Mike Steele?', and I'd go 'Yeah', and they'd go 'Mike Steele's 6'7" tall, he's 300 pounds', and I'd go 'I know, I heard that. It's just, I was wondering if there was anything else useful that you could tell me?', and they'd go 'We called him the White Rhino', and I'd say 'Oh, why's that?', and they'd say 'Well, he walked around naked everywhere - lovely body!'.

[Everyone laughs]

Jason: Yeah, we used to take meetings with him sitting there with a fan on his balls.

Orlando: Jason really 

Jason: And I'd go 'Yeah, is there anything else you could tell me?' 'He used to take his teeth out for battle!'.

Johnny: So Mike Steele sits there naked with a fan on his gnats.

Orlando: You, you know, you really didn't want to go inside Jason's trailer, d'ya know what I mean?

Jason: Yeah, so I went bald - I thought that would somehow encapsulate all of those things. 

Johnny: OK, so who are you playing, Orlando?

Orlando: I play Private First Class Blackburn [He started saying this in his American accent and then converted to normal], and I fall from the helicopter, and it's kind of the beginning of the end really.

Johnny: [keenly] Do you die early?

Orlando: It's not really a death, he doesn't die actually. He's still alive today and he's working as a police officer.

Jason: Orlando trained for a week to do...what? Show them!
[Orlando kind of leans back and yells 'aaah'!]

Orlando: I was the, I was kind of a joke. Everyone was like 'You don't need a gun, forget about it, you're falling from the helicopter'. It was a bit frustrating to say the least.

Johnny: But you weren't...this whole boot camp you all had to go to has become quite legendary, and you obviously all had to go along.

Jason: They put me in charge, the boys. The American Military, they don't really understand Hollywood! They said [American accent again] 'You're playing Mike Steele? OK, you're in charge of all of the actors - make sure they turn up on time'. And I'd go 'I don't think you understand how it works!'

Johnny: Yeah, but why did he (points to Orlando) have to go to the boot camp?

Jason: Because he's a very pretty boy, and, you know, its all men there....

[Audience laughs]

Jason: I don't know if you've seen Lord of the Rings. If you see Lord of the Rings you see him in his Danni Behr wig...

Johnny: He was the Lord of the Rings!

Jason: He cheers up the whole evening, I can tell you..

Orlando: It's true. They really wanted me there, what can I say? They really wanted me there!

Johnny [putting on accent]: You've got a pretty mouth, boy.

[Audience laughs]

[Orlando does the banjo theme from 'Deliverance']

Johnny: Yep, they trained for a long time, let's see if that training paid off. Here we go!

[Show clip from Black Hawk Down]

Jason: That's everybody! That's pretty much the entire cast except us, really!

[Audience laughs]

Orlando [nodding head]: Yeah, yeah. Although you wouldn't know that!

Johnny: Do you know, that just looked like a laugh!

Orlando: It was.

Johnny: You know what, all the stuff you get to use, it's a good laugh doing it, isn't it?

Jason: I know it's a comedy show and everything, but we were standing next to the guys who were re-creating this nightmare and their best friends were blown apart, and they did these things that you or I would never do. Like when the helicopter gets shot down their first thought was 'Get me to the helicopter', whereas your or my first thought would be 'Get me out of here!'. Something's gone horribly wrong.

Johnny: Yeah, I would! I wouldn't be down there wasting some bullets!

[Audience laughs]

Jason: It was a very serious job - there wasn't a lot of laughing on set. I mean, the first...the first...when we

Orlando: You didn't really have to re-create very much - when you see, like, helicopters and guns going off, there were helicopters and guns going off! And everyone was like...you know there wasn't a lot of acting going on.

Jason: All the soldiers have said it's the most accurate re-creation of a war there's ever been on film.

Johnny: I've got to say, they do say that a lot after war films. I've heard that before.

[Audience laughs]

Orlando: No, but they were really aware of that in boot camp, they were very aware of that, and it was all about muzzle management, wasn't it?

Johnny: Muzzle management?!?!? I can't believe you said that!

[Audience laughs]

Johnny: Muzzle management!

Orlando: That's what we liked to call it!

Jason: The first time we had to do any shooting Ridley said to me [adopts accent again] 'Right, you're come along the street, right, you're gonna walk down the street and all this @#%$ is gonna break loose - the whole building's gonna come down, cars will blow up and all these people will be shooting, and just get to the end, and do your lines. I said 'Well, uh, could I have something a bit more specific than that, please? [laughing] And he said 'Alright, Alright.' So I come down the street and everything just blew up like mad - it was like a World War - I juts come down the street and it was like....Norman Wisdom on speed, you know!

[Audience laughs]

Jason: And I got to the end and I was going 'Bang, bang, bang!' and, you were laughing [to Orlando], and I do my lines and he said 'Cut!' and I was said 'I'd really like to that again [imitates pulling the trigger] The gun....

Orlando [laughing really hard]: The gun jammed!

Jason: A magazine fell out of my gun! Yeah, and I was going bang, bang, bang with no bullets in the thing!

Orlando: He didn't let off any rounds!

Jason: And he said, you look scared, and I said 'Well, the bloke I'm playing is much more butch than me!'

Johnny: Yeah well, he was Mike Steele - the White Rhino!

Orlando: He sits around naked!

Johnny: Now Orlando, talking of guns going off there, you're a young man in Hollywood at the moment - single...

Orlando [laughing]: Yeah. It's a bit....

Johnny: You must be...There must be loads of hacks lurking around. Looking to...You must be having a great time.

Orlando: Yeah, yeah I'd love to say....

Jason: (to Johnny) What sex?! You mean sex?

Johnny: I just mean, generally...

Jason: Because it's not great for tourists.

Orlando: No, it's not a great culture!

Jason: You've not (had a lot of ) sex?

Orlando: No, actually I'm on a plane more often that not. I mean air hostesses ...

(Jason expresses his agreement)

Orlando: I actually... I can honestly say.. you would.. I would love to say that I am getting it loads. I really would but...[audience laugh] and in fact if anyone's interested....

Johnny: Just say, it they won't know. It's what they want you to be doing!

Orlando: Yeah right!

Jason: We're not single - we'd just like to hear you lie!

Orlando: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm getting it loads, I'm getting it loads.

Johnny [to Jason]: You're not single.

Jason: No, no, I'm just about to have a baby. In fact last time I saw you we were talking about the joy of having a daughter, so we're about to have a little baby girl in a couple of months time.

Audience: Aaaah!

Johnny: Yeah. It's a good line - you get girls with that line! You get a a good effect!

Jason: Oh really?

Orlando: Yeah, that's a good line, a good line

Jason: The doctor did a scan and he took 10 minutes signing, and I said 'What's the sex?', and he turned and said 'It's either going to be, I'm pretty sure it's a girl, a little girl, or a boy with a tiny penis!

[Audience laughs]

Johnny [in macho voice]: It's a girl!

[Everyone laughs]

Johnny: I've got some quickies for you - I always like to tie up with some quickies, in a manner of speaking.

Orlando: Oh really?

Jason [laughing]: What, in front of everybody? [Another crude joke]

Johnny : Yeah, if they wanna watch it's their problem! Ok, here we go. Now you played, Jason, you played a transvestite in the Keanu Reeves movie 'Sweet November'. What's your dress size?

Jason: Er, just big up top and big arse really -the biggest they had!

Johnny: Ok, now Orlando, making the movie you stayed at the Rabbat[?] Hilton in Morocco which is famed for its karaoke nights - what was your song?

Orlando: Errm...I can't remember what it's called [turns to Jason]...Bowie, that Bowie song...

Jason: You did Barbara Streisand!

[Audience laughs]

Orlando: Oh all right! I can't keep any secrets!

Johnny: You are in Lord of the Rings which is a good pension plan for you - that's three years going forward.

Orlando: Right, yeah. [At this point he kind of sighed, smiled and just looked really CUTE!]

Johnny: Is it true that you all got a tattoo, everyone who was on it?

Orlando: Yes, we all got a tattoo, and in fact more recently the director, the producer, the New Line executive and the head of special effects all got '10', which is actually not '9', yeah? But it is '9' now.

Jason: What's '10'?

Orlando: No, they all got the number '10' and we've all got '9' because there's nine in the Fellowship.

Johnny: So you all got this...so you're all mad.

Orlando: So they're like the tenth member of the Fellowship.

Jason: Does it go up to 11?

Orlando [in jokey way]: Shut up!

[Audience laughs]

Johnny [retreating with flailing arms]: I don't want to step on any toes!

Orlando: He's just jealous he hasn't got one.

Johnny: What? Um, why did you indicate his penis?

[Everyone laughs again]

Jason: Actually in Morocco we did all get tattoos. We did on 'Black Hawk Down'. We all had, like, two-inch, like, 'Get me [-] Mogadishu' [They blanked a word here - I have no idea what it's supposed to be, honestly]

Johnny: Did you? Ah. Nice, nice. [to Orlando] But you were mad to get that tattoo, because you know what you should have done?

Orlando: What?

Johnny: You should have had a VIKING TATTOO! Like these!
[They show a rather stupid clip of three arms with Viking tattoos - Note to foreigners: Don't think that all British TV is this weird!]

Johnny: Excellent! Aren't they the best?

[Orlando smiles, Audience applauds]

Johnny: I don't know why I find that so funny! [To Orlando] You're doing Lord of the Rings. You're going to be attracting, I would think, some pretty obsessive, weird fans. Are you ready for that?

[:) Tee hee - does he mean the likes of us? :) ]

Orlando: Um... [looks to Jason]

Jason: Don't look at me, I'm not gonna be.

Orlando: Um, no...I think, my agent keeps telling me she's wading through fan-mail...

Johnny: Wading through!

Orlando: Well, that's the way she puts it! I'm like, so I've got to work out what to with that, I haven't looked at it yet.

Johnny: Look out for green biro. I only say that because last week we had two extreme fans.....